Sunday, April 26, 2009

Bacon: Teacher, mother, secret lover.

On my seemingly never ending quest to kill myself with bacon, there have been many great moments. One of which is cataloged on this very blog. There have also been a few failures (such as honey teriyaki marinated bacon, which basically just stuck to the pan. It needs never be spoken of, save to prevent others from attempting such a sticky disaster). When I caught wind of this masterpiece, my clogged heart skipped a beat. Could it be?.... could someone have joined my two great loves into one glorious beverage?

I implore the teeming millions of you who read my blog to go here (sorry, seems it won't post as a link. gotta copy/paste) and submit your requests for it to be sold in california. If you don't care to have it in your area, use mine (95032) so that I might try it, and let you all know what I think. Also, I welcome any bacon based culinary suggestions. Submit them as a comment. If I like your idea, I might invite you to my 28th birthday "Bake and Bacon" party.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My dad, the Creeposaurus.

I have hesitated to post this story, because I thought the girl in question might read it, and reading it might make things very awkward... and though it may not seem like it, awkward situations are things I generally try to avoid. I realize that may not actually be a problem though, since nobody reads this anyway.

So here's the story: My dad took me and one of his friends to lunch a week or so ago, since we were all working together. As we were driving to lunch, my dad, always the entertainer, started telling his friend about what our family had done for Easter... and this is where our scene begins.

My dad: So we all went out to dinner, Jacob brought his.... what is she to you?
Me: ......
My Dad: What is Heather to you?
Me: My friend.
My dad: Moving toward more?
Me: .....
My dad: Anyway, she is just a striking gal... with these beautiful eyes that you could get lost staring at.
My dads friend: Could we call her your friend with benefits?... or your sex puppet?
Me (wondering how safe it is to jump out of a truck moving 35 mph): No. No we could not call her that.

Thanks... Now I won't be able to look at her eyes without thinking of my skeevy creepster father, or his pervert friend.

Here, get lost looking at these Photobucket

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dexter on dating

I am not an emotional person... and that is mostly by choice. I see very little value in emotion. Well... I understand that some emotions are fun, but I don't see the value in allowing emotion to control us, instead of assessing situations logically, and then choosing which emotion, if any, is suitable. If you know me, you already know this about me. I'm not a sociopath or anything, I just see no need for emotion. I rarely use the word "feel" (except when talking about physical sensations), and instead opt for "think" or "know"... because, really, I don't care how you feel... and don't expect you to care how I feel. I am not interested in feelings. I am interested in facts.

Knowing this might help you understand how I can have had two girlfriends in my life, and not really been romantically interested in either of them (Lauren, Chelsea... if you're reading this, I guess this is probably not the way you would like to learn this)(also, how the crap did you find my blog? Are you stalking me?). Surely I can't be the only person to have dated people because he could tell they were interested in him, and because normal people have girlfriends. People who are not cyborgs, that is.

In my life, however, there has been one girl (woman now) that did cause me to feel, and I never really dated her. Maybe she was partially to blame for the lack of interest in either of my girlfriends. I hadn't, until recently, seen her in years... but I still thought about her in contrast to any other girl I met, and none of them were as exciting to me. What was it about her that got me so bewitched?... what is it about her that is doing it again? Granted, she's beautiful, but is there more to it? Is it that she is a mystery to me?... that I can't tell whether she's interested in me? I need to be careful. I shouldn't move too quickly, only to find out that we're not as in sync as I want to think we are. I need to be sure.

What about you?... have you dated someone you weren't interested in from the start? Have you ever NOT dated someone because you were unsure?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

If this isn't Heaven, it's a heart-beat closer to it.

I believe that what I have created is, quite frankly, Heaven, in food form. At the very least, eating it will bring you closer to Heaven, if that is where you will end up. If you are a heathen, perhaps it's best if you stay away from the Steak cordon Bacon. It is, simply stated, steak, with cheese and bacon inside, cooked with more bacon... but the process of cooking makes it so much more than that. Inspired by the great heart stopping treats I read about on

You start with honey and teriyaki sauce. Photobucket
Mix in a pot on low heat, until they are fully combined.

Then, add steak. Photobucket

Marinate the steak for a full 24 hours for best result. Photobucket

When the steak is ready, cook a few pieces of bacon. While the bacon is cooking, take a knife and cut a small opening in the side of the steak. Move the knife around inside, creating a cavity which you will fill with chunks of the bacon you are cooking, and sharp cheddar cheese. (Note: Even if you prefer mild cheddar, or some other kind of cheese, use sharp cheddar, as the contrast between the cheese and the sweet flavor of the steak is what helps to make this meal magnificent)

When the steak is filled, cook it however you like it. I like it medium rare, but you don't really care how I like it, do you? It's best to use a thermometer, instead of just looking at how pink the inside is, because the teriyaki marinade will have darkened the meat.

While the steak is cooking, create a mat out of bacon. Photobucket It does not need to be tight, or attractive, since it will be dismantled later.

Wrap the bacon weave around the steak Photobucket

Cook until the bacon is almost crispy. Dismantle. Finish cooking the bacon.

Enjoy with a beer of your choosing.

If you're not in Heaven eating this meal, I'll either see you there soon, or I don't want to know you.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Rob Zombie's Halloween

I've never been a big fan of the Halloween movies, but I think this is the best acting William Shatner has ever done.

Also, watch this.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Though this will likely not be the general theme of this blog, I want to start of with something I think is important... a good number of my female friends have trouble finding men that fit their standards, and get tired of waiting for the right guy. I've seen too many girls go for idiots just because that idiot showed some interest.

I've also seen too many guys find a woman who is worth all the trouble in the world, but because they lack confidence, or determination, or... something, they don't act. I have been one of these guys.

So I did one of the only things I know how to do moderately well. I wrote. This trilogy of poems (if you want to save yourself some time) boils down to this: Women, you are valuable. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't treat you like you're beautiful. Men, man up. Let the woman you love know she's worth something to you, and treat her accordingly.

To Those Who Wait
There's a story of a Princess, fairer than she thought to see,
who, when finding not a suitor, gave her heart too willingly.
Here the Princess dropped her standards so at least one Prince would pass,
thus each Prince she found was lacking, like one slipper made of glass.

And the Princess, tired of waiting for the man that she could love
had forgot that solemn promise, "One fine day your Prince will come".
So the first to pass her tower was the first to whom she ran,
but to treat her as a Princess never was the Jesters plan.

Swears't I now to you, oh Princess, though you've seen it not before,
when the right Prince comes to find you, you'll be found worth fighting for.
Though, dear Princess, it may seem like love brings not to you but pain,
the valor of the Prince will surely match the value of the Dame.

Tragic Prince
There once was a beautiful Princess
who lived in the kingdoms of old.
Her eyes were as clear as the ocean,
her hair was as brilliant as gold.

Her beauty was rivaled by no one,
no maiden from far or from wide.
Though many knights jousted to win her,
too often their ambition died.

I was a Prince who could see her
as anything more than a prize.
I knew I should try to romance her,
but in action I wasn't so wise.

Well, the Princess ascended her tower,
and it was from there that she reigned.
The dragon and moat could protect her,
but her beauty could not be contained.

I was as dashing and charming
as any Prince ever could be,
but dashing's for naught without daring,
and valor just isn't in me.

So I watched as a man climbed her tower,
took her far from my tortured sight,
and I pray they happ'ly for ever.
I pray that she's found her white knight.

In Time
It was in the tower window I saw her,
that Princess for whom all men sought.
Though the odds were not near in my favor,
it was for her favor I fought.

Though many knights jousted to win her,
I thirsted to win her applause,
I'd vanquish her foes the world over
with only her love as my cause.

The tourney had only just ended,
victorious, I called to her tower,
"Dear Princess, I'd fight on for ages
to see you for only an hour."

Quickly, smoke billowed out of the mountains,
and a monster rose up to the skies.
It circled her tower and stopped me
with the fire of Hell in its eyes.

I cried, "Demon! How dare you delay me?"
as it screamed forth a fiery blast.
I yelled, "It is now that we end this!
You have chosen this day as your last!"

Its heart felt my sword in a moment,
and I climbed to the one I adore,
and I swore I would love and protect her
for now, and forever, and more.

They say that home is where the heart is. I don't really have a heart, so it seems that I don't have a home. When that day comes that I finally find the woman who has my heart, I'll know I'm home, and I will never leave.