Best. Gifts. Ever. ?

I recently had a birthday, as people do, and got a lot of great gifts from my loved ones... perhaps the most fantastic, and certainly the most pertinent to this blog, were the bevvy of bacon themed gifts I got from my aunt (and would have gotten from my older brother, had his bottles of home made bacon vodka not exploded before he could give them to me). Sadly, none of these gifts were "Bacon: A love story", but I suppose I will have to buy that for myself. What I did get was the following:

1 jar of Bacon Salt
2 jars of Baconnaise
1 tube of Bacon lip balm
1 case of Bacon dental floss
1 tin of Bacon jelly beans
1 tin of Bacon mints
2 tins of bacon tooth-picks
1 Bacon scented air freshener
1 figurine (and prayer card) of St. Anthony, patron saint of bacon (who knew?)
1 "Seduced by Bacon" cook book.
1 box of Strawberry flavored Bacon gummi's.

All this to say that I have just learned that not all things that are bacon flavored actually taste like bacon. Math formula: Bacon Flavored < Made with real Bacon. Also, Made with real Bacon > Kevin Bacon.


So, have you ever given or received any Bacon themed gifts? I suggest that it's high time you start.


I guess my aunt didn't get the memo that Bake and Bacon fest starts next year.

Be Still My Heart

Sadly, I have no pictures to accompany this, but I thought it worth recording anyway. This week, while staying with my best friend, Derek, in Ventura, I was party to a wonder of meat mixtures. It goes like this:

Bun
Mayonnaise
Pepperjack Cheese
Bacon (four strips)
Hamburger patty (covered in Red Robbin seasoning)
Pepperjack Cheese
Bratwurst patty
Pepperjack Cheese
Bun


That, right there, is.... wonderful. It was enough burger that I don't think I could eat another one for at least a month.

*Edit: I forgot (and how could I? I am ashamed) that the whole thing was topped with a fried egg... well, it was topped with half of a bun, but just under that was a fried egg.

Dearest Lauren

I've been in lyric mode since watching Once this week. Great music, that... not much of a movie though. Anyway, I'm terrible at writing music, but I'm not (in my own opinion) bad at writing words... so, based on the true story of my own most recent "romantic" entanglement, I decided to write the following. If anyone out there is any good at writing music, I welcome your attempts at completing this venture.



Dearest Lauren

I remember how things went when we first spoke,
And how you laughed at all my awkward jokes.
How you seemed so happy just to talk to me,
But all I thought was how I had to pee.

I felt I might burst as we talked for hours,
Or, as I responded while you talked for hours.
I do not remember anything you said,
I only had one thought within my head.

How the hell do I get out of here?
I need to be somewhere else.
I just need to make it clear
I’d rather be by my self.

After I gave you the number to my phone,
I sadly found you’d not leave me alone.
I’d see your call, my cell phone in my hand,
And later say I’d been playing Rockband.

We dated for too long, and, to be true,
My every thought was how to part with you.
You said you loved me every time we kissed,
And all the while, my only thought was this:

How the hell do I get out of here?
I need to be somewhere else.
I just need to make it clear
I’d rather be by my self.

I broke your heart inside the Oakridge mall,
It had to be in public after all.
To try to keep the scene from getting loud,
I had to make sure we were in a crowd.

You begged, and said that we could work things out.
I said there’s nothing left to talk about.
No chance for us, not at another juncture,
Then we walked to the same parking structure.

How the hell do I get out of here?
I need to be somewhere else.
I just need to make it clear
I’d rather be by my self.

Bacon: Teacher, mother, secret lover.

On my seemingly never ending quest to kill myself with bacon, there have been many great moments. One of which is cataloged on this very blog. There have also been a few failures (such as honey teriyaki marinated bacon, which basically just stuck to the pan. It needs never be spoken of, save to prevent others from attempting such a sticky disaster). When I caught wind of this masterpiece, my clogged heart skipped a beat. Could it be?.... could someone have joined my two great loves into one glorious beverage?


I implore the teeming millions of you who read my blog to go here http://www.bakonvodka.com/index.php?section=float&page=where (sorry, seems it won't post as a link. gotta copy/paste) and submit your requests for it to be sold in california. If you don't care to have it in your area, use mine (95032) so that I might try it, and let you all know what I think. Also, I welcome any bacon based culinary suggestions. Submit them as a comment. If I like your idea, I might invite you to my 28th birthday "Bake and Bacon" party.

My dad, the Creeposaurus.

I have hesitated to post this story, because I thought the girl in question might read it, and reading it might make things very awkward... and though it may not seem like it, awkward situations are things I generally try to avoid. I realize that may not actually be a problem though, since nobody reads this anyway.

So here's the story: My dad took me and one of his friends to lunch a week or so ago, since we were all working together. As we were driving to lunch, my dad, always the entertainer, started telling his friend about what our family had done for Easter... and this is where our scene begins.

My dad: So we all went out to dinner, Jacob brought his.... what is she to you?
Me: ......
My Dad: What is Heather to you?
Me: My friend.
My dad: Moving toward more?
Me: .....
My dad: Anyway, she is just a striking gal... with these beautiful eyes that you could get lost staring at.
My dads friend: Could we call her your friend with benefits?... or your sex puppet?
Me (wondering how safe it is to jump out of a truck moving 35 mph): No. No we could not call her that.



Thanks... Now I won't be able to look at her eyes without thinking of my skeevy creepster father, or his pervert friend.

Here, get lost looking at these

Dexter on dating

I am not an emotional person... and that is mostly by choice. I see very little value in emotion. Well... I understand that some emotions are fun, but I don't see the value in allowing emotion to control us, instead of assessing situations logically, and then choosing which emotion, if any, is suitable. If you know me, you already know this about me. I'm not a sociopath or anything, I just see no need for emotion. I rarely use the word "feel" (except when talking about physical sensations), and instead opt for "think" or "know"... because, really, I don't care how you feel... and don't expect you to care how I feel. I am not interested in feelings. I am interested in facts.

Knowing this might help you understand how I can have had two girlfriends in my life, and not really been romantically interested in either of them (Lauren, Chelsea... if you're reading this, I guess this is probably not the way you would like to learn this)(also, how the crap did you find my blog? Are you stalking me?). Surely I can't be the only person to have dated people because he could tell they were interested in him, and because normal people have girlfriends. People who are not cyborgs, that is.

In my life, however, there has been one girl (woman now) that did cause me to feel, and I never really dated her. Maybe she was partially to blame for the lack of interest in either of my girlfriends. I hadn't, until recently, seen her in years... but I still thought about her in contrast to any other girl I met, and none of them were as exciting to me. What was it about her that got me so bewitched?... what is it about her that is doing it again? Granted, she's beautiful, but is there more to it? Is it that she is a mystery to me?... that I can't tell whether she's interested in me? I need to be careful. I shouldn't move too quickly, only to find out that we're not as in sync as I want to think we are. I need to be sure.

What about you?... have you dated someone you weren't interested in from the start? Have you ever NOT dated someone because you were unsure?

If this isn't Heaven, it's a heart-beat closer to it.

I believe that what I have created is, quite frankly, Heaven, in food form. At the very least, eating it will bring you closer to Heaven, if that is where you will end up. If you are a heathen, perhaps it's best if you stay away from the Steak cordon Bacon. It is, simply stated, steak, with cheese and bacon inside, cooked with more bacon... but the process of cooking makes it so much more than that. Inspired by the great heart stopping treats I read about on geekologie.com

You start with honey and teriyaki sauce.
Mix in a pot on low heat, until they are fully combined.

Then, add steak.

Marinate the steak for a full 24 hours for best result.

When the steak is ready, cook a few pieces of bacon. While the bacon is cooking, take a knife and cut a small opening in the side of the steak. Move the knife around inside, creating a cavity which you will fill with chunks of the bacon you are cooking, and sharp cheddar cheese. (Note: Even if you prefer mild cheddar, or some other kind of cheese, use sharp cheddar, as the contrast between the cheese and the sweet flavor of the steak is what helps to make this meal magnificent)

When the steak is filled, cook it however you like it. I like it medium rare, but you don't really care how I like it, do you? It's best to use a thermometer, instead of just looking at how pink the inside is, because the teriyaki marinade will have darkened the meat.

While the steak is cooking, create a mat out of bacon. It does not need to be tight, or attractive, since it will be dismantled later.

Wrap the bacon weave around the steak

Cook until the bacon is almost crispy. Dismantle. Finish cooking the bacon.


Enjoy with a beer of your choosing.


If you're not in Heaven eating this meal, I'll either see you there soon, or I don't want to know you.