Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick

Every time I go to Home Depot, two things happen. 1) the garden center makes me wish I had my own house, and enough money to buy and plant whichever plants I chose. 2) the tool section makes me wish the Zombie Apocalypse would just hurry up and happen so the world would descend into anarchy and I could go steal the things they have there which would be useful in my attempts to survive and fight off my undead attackers. Here, for your reading and daydreaming pleasure, is a list of things which would be useful and/or necessary for a life on the run from undead predators. Not all of these things can be found at Home Depot, so you might also want to check places like sporting goods stores.

For surviving the undead:

* metal frame back pack... nothing too cumbersome... to carry your gear while leaving your hands free to fight and protect yourself. http://www.backcountry.com/outdoorgear/JAN0312/JanSport-Scout-Backpack-3850cu-in.html
* sturdy, breathable safety gloves to protect your hands from cuts and scratches. http://www.atbshop.co.uk/images/dakine/dakine_crossx_glove_i.jpg
* safety glasses for uv protection, and to keep blood out of your eyes.(sunglasses and vision enhancing yellow lenses if possible) http://www.eyesafety.4ursafety.com/kazbek-sk112.jpg yeah, sorry, they're going to make you look like a douche.
* machete (many great uses) http://4gwar.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/machete1.jpg
* dust masks so blood doesn't get in your mouth on accident. http://talasonline.com/photos/safety/3m_dust_mask.jpg
* small bolt cutters because you never know when or where you're going to need to hide. http://laudeman.com/bugimages/tool08.jpg
* Estwing 26" vinyl grip campers axe, perfect size, weight, and shape for clubbing and chopping from enough distance to keep you out of reach, as well as being useful for more typical purposes. Has soft grip with shock reduction and ergonomic shape. comes with sheath for easy carry. http://www.campmor.com/estwing-long-handle-campers-axe.shtml
* Stanley FatMax Xtreme FUBar Functional Utility Bar. Hammer, pry bar, pipe wrench. Comfortable grip. Multi-tools are great because they save space and increase your ability to maintain safety. http://www.amazon.com/Stanley-55-099-FatMax-Functional-Utility/dp/B000FCGS0Y
* Leatherman (or similar multitool) because... well really, what CAN'T you use one of these for? They're like Swiss Army knives only better. It's a good idea to get it with a belt clip. http://www.laserforums.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=664&d=1262435435
* Camelbak. Handsfree hydration. When you use water purification tablets or can boil the water without the zombies seeing your fire, this can be one of your greatest allies. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PSkxCvH2u84/SEGVN1-AdMI/AAAAAAAAABc/LgzKj2cUbW0/s320/camelbak.jpg
* http://slowrollingforfunandprofit.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/zombie-survival-guide.jpg
* The most up to date survival guide you can get your hands on. This should include a list of general survival tools you will need, which should include but not be limited to
* waterproof matches.
* magnifying glass.
* light weight rope.
* metal canteen (can hold water as well as be used for boiling).
* comfortable, well broken in, running shoes.
* Knife sharpener
* etc.

You may have noticed, I did not include any guns or explosives. While I am a fan of things that go boom in the night, light and noise are likely to attract more zombies. Guns need ammunition, and the idea is to only use those things when absolutely necessary. Be a zombie fighting ninja. Walk softly, and carry a big stick.


any specific awesome tools of undead destruction and human survival you think should be added to the list? Leave its name, and a link, in a comment.

Edit: Sorry the links didn't post as links. Copy/paste into a different tab to get a better idea of what I'm talking about.